First of all I must say it seems like I have way too much going on and with every blessing there seems to be a curse or downfall. Mental health is tricky...lol If anyone sits there and tells you that there is a magical medication that will help them forever and they don't ever have to have counseling or any other intervention, they are not being real about it. I learned from talking to my therapist this past Monday that even though you may feel great a lot of the time that sometimes there is a day where your body has a "relapse" per say. Like a diabetic can still get sick even if they are on meds and have a bad day. A person with heart problems that is on heart medication can have a lapse. Mental health is no different. That made me feel a lot better. I tell people I am great and I am happy but... there are a few days out of the year where I just don't have a good day. This is completely normal and that makes me feel confident. Our session basically laid down what I need to work on and how we are going to develop coping skills for things that I have trouble with. I never claimed to be completely cured of mental health as I go out in the community and advocate. Let's just say I got a few wrinkles :)
On the up and up I am excited about the next couple of busy weeks for me. This weekend I will be in Bloomingdale to get fitted for the Live Out Loud Charity fashion show that will take place on October the 2nd. I couldn't be more pleased to be involved with this as it is a charity dedicated to depression and suicide awareness. I will be walking as a model and a title holder so I get to showcase my talents twice! Awesome huh? I also get to share my story with what will probably be my biggest crowd so far with an expected attendance of over 500 people. This will be an amazing but emotional event. For more information please visit http://www.tiaramag.net/. My photos are on there along with information on the show and the other models and titleholders taking part in it. I can't wait to see what they pick out for me to wear! I love doing fashion shows. To top it off I have lost about 13 pounds so I will be happier that I probably get to go down a couple sizes on the clothes they pick :)
Sunday is going to be very interesting. I will be traveling 180 miles in the opposite direction over to Des Moines, IA to test shoot with a model scout photographer for Ford Models NYC. I am truely excited about this opportunity and quite nervous at the same time. I am still trying to decide what outfits I will wear and will be curious as to how he captures my looks. It's always fun working with a new photographer. The last photographer I worked with in Des Moines was Dan Davis. Simply amazing and took one of my most favorite pictures I have in my portfolio. It was like he captured me in a dream. Loved it!! So I am really excited as to how these photos will turn out and what this scout thinks of my photos. This test shoot is definitely a big deal and maybe, just maybe something will happen for me. (fingers crossed, prayers going up) I feel like I have a great portfolio and am looking forward to updating it with even more awesome pics!! I would love to be a print commercial model. (my dream)
Next weekend is the NAMI walk. (National Alliance for Mental Illnesses) Bright and early I will be headed out to Schweibert Park in Rock Island in support of the cause. This may be too big of an event for my snoopy. He did well with the MJL walk but we were just in the hundreds. This crowd is expected to be much bigger and not sure how he will react to some of the entertainment. Clowns may not be his thing and I completely understand that. Plus I will be busy walking around mingling with the crowd. That same day after the walk I will be headed to Addison for rehearsals that night and then up at 5am for the show next day. Talk about your busy Ms. Iowa on the go!! But it will be all for great causes. You don't even want to konw what my following week looks like, LOL!!!
Amongst all of this, we come to the insomnia. You may remember in a previous blog that my doc took me off my trazodone because of the groggyness and the weight gain and me just sleeping my life away. I knew it was time for a change. Unfortunately, it is trial and error again. I was prescribed Ambien to take for my anxiety at night. No luck on half or a whole pill. I was up at 3 am every night. I gave it from that wednesday until the weekend. The doc is not in on Mondays and Tuesdays so I have to wait until Wednesday when she comes in. She calls in another prescription. Klonopin. Same deal. Up every night at 3am toss turn, fidgeting, moving around, silly looks from the dog. My dog usually sleeps right next to me even though we are on a queen sized bed. I like the comfort and I steal his heat, hee hee. He is my lil fur child and he has been very upset with me these past few weeks. All this week, 2am, 3am, 4am. I get the look like "what is your problem? A pooch is tryin to sleep!!" I wish I had taken photos these past few nights. I missed the docs call yesterday so today we are going to try something else. Xanex. I guess it is that bad, but I am to start off with a half pill. You gotta wonder sometimes how I hold my composure and keep it all together. God, family, and good ol Cymbalta that picks me up so I feel great all day.
Mental health is never easy. It's not all in your head and you can't just snap out of it. Even with all the positive things going in my life right now in the next couple of days and months I still struggle at times and that is normal. Never give up on hope. There is always hope. Sometimes it is a matter of finding the right combination of meds, the right therapist, the right enviornment, or the right routine and positive people to surround yourself with. If I can do it, you can too :)
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