Monday, July 23, 2012

Election 2012 "Obama, We Got Your Back" rally July 21, 2012

Saturday was a rather hot and interesting day.  Last minute notification, but hey, I must say it was all worth it.  I am not really sure how or why, but I am sure that MANY people had no idea that Gabrielle Union was paying a visit to the Quad Cities area at a small park in Davenport, IA to help spread the word and campaign that we need Obama back at the white house.  I think the one thing everyone can take away from her speech was "Where you at Mitt?" (Mitt Romney)

The day started off kind of slow.  There was a table with a few volunteers trying to get people to sign up to volunteer and register to vote in the coming months leading up to the election.  I had no idea that they were allowing people to have the option to vote by mail and that option also allows you to have a 30 day early vote with ballots being sent out on or around September 27th.  I also didn't know that Davenport is THE LOWEST ranked in numbers in the whole state of Iowa for registered voters. (smh)  Maybe that is why Gabrielle came here rather than some of the other places in the state, lol

Cameraman Raymond Rodriguez and another guy Andrew McCoy, acting as host as I am cohost for a project in which we taped our first segment.  We were basically going around and interviewing people about the importance of voting, were they registered, and what did they plan on doing to help bring the voting numbers back up and spreading the word.  I think there is one thing that everyone had in common, and that was "Obama, we got your back!"  We tried to interview as many people from as many different age groups, financial statuses, and backgrounds as possible just to get a feel for what everyone's thoughts were and if they were registered or planned on registering to vote.  I think the highlight of this one was the guy who was a volunteer who said that his probation officer made him volunteer.  My response, "hey, everyone is here for all reasons and you gotta do what you gotta do to make your time count for Obama."  We had some serious interviews and then you know me, I had to have a lil fun.  I went around asking people to repeat the Obama saying "YES WE CAN!" That was quite funny.  Some people were very enthusiastic while others just kind of said it like they lost a lil go go juice in the sun.

The event was jam packed with live performances from local artists such as Jay Wright and Playa Plato, free food, music, face painting, and last but not least, the arrival of Gabriel Union with her pep talk.  Honestly, I didn't know if she was really coming.  But she did, and she did a fantastic job.  Many of the things she pointed out I didn't know, which made me think, maybe I should read a lil more into my politics.  If there was anything that I was ever more sure about was the fact that I know where my vote is going and oh how I wished that one day I would get to meet Mr. Obama.  It was funny how I have kept saying that I wish I got to meet the president.  Well, I guess God somewhat answered my prayer.  I got to be present at an event for him in the presence of a well known actress who is doing her part to show the community "Obama, WE GOT YOUR BACK!!"

Friday, July 20, 2012

To believe or Not to believe

These past few months have prompted me to realize more and more that my purpose here is to inspire.  I now know that my calling is to inspire others who deal with mental illnesses to know that there is life beyond the darkness and having a mental illness does not make you any less of a person as the next.  It just means that people don't want to accept you for who you are because of the stigma.  Last night I was invited to speak, to inspire again on my journey whereever it may lead or however far it may reach.

My first appearance at the Moline Club was a rather small audience and had a different purpose.  Here I was Ms. Iowa American Coed 2011 speaking out on one of two platforms, which were both so very close to me at heart.  Mental Illness.  I participated in walks, spoke out in the community, and raised money for places that treated mental illnesses with organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illnesses) and the MJL Foundation for Depression and Suicide Awareness.  I spoke as a person who had come out of the darkness and hadn't been there for a while trying to get everyone to understand that this can happen to anyone.  I say to anyone that it makes me feel good and to know that out of every appearance I make no matter what subject it is on, Leukemia or Mental Health I have it least 1 person, not just one, but it least one person that will contact me or come up to me and express their personal dealings.  I can't tell you the number of emails and people that have personally come up to me to express how proud they are that I am able to talk about it.  I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for understanding and for people to recognize that we are not as different as society thinks we are and we all have our purpose, some people just havn't found it yet.  That alone can be depressing.

Last night I appeared at the Moline Club for the second time, not as a beauty queen, but as Monica Lacovitch, the former title holder and up and coming model who has had her ups and downs with this disease and still pressing on.  My take on the subject was different this time.  The effects on family and friends who deal with people such as myself or loved ones with a mental illness.  Again, kind of hard considering my last episode was so recent and I know I hurt quite a few people and even made them mad.  But hey, it comes with the program and I am kind of used to it.  It's just something we have to deal with.  Close to 20 people or so showed up.  All backgrounds, genders and ages.  There was even a lady there who had a daughter that tried to commit suicide this past week and was in the process of being admitted so I could tell she was VERY interested in what I had to say.  Everyone was very receptive to what I had to say and there was quite a discussion at the end.  People wanted to know, how do you gain support when you isolate yourself?  Do you find that your moods are seasonal like maybe worse in the winter than the summer?  What do you experience in your highs and lows?  How long has it been since you were diagnosed with Bipolar disorder?  Many offered suggestions that were very encouraging such as taking walks, exercising, eating right, talking yourself out of your moods and even meditating.  All seemed to be helpful suggestions, but the key thing is... when you are so depressed you are past being able to talk yourself out of it and you don't feel like doing anything.  I did mention that once I start getting to know more of what my triggers are and being able to catch myself before I fall, which is what my therapist is helping with, these things won't be so hard.  Right now my mood is great! I feel good, I feel motivated and I feel like I can take on the world.  My anxiety, still not so great, but we are working on it as I look at myself as a continuing project to be maintained and finished.  There really was a LOT of support coming from these people who I truely did not know from a can of paint and that let me know that I had carried out my purpose in that session.

As I stated before, there was quite a discussion.  Out of nowhere things took a very downward turn and I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, thoughts, and ideas, which is the purpose for the Independent Scholar's Evening that is held every Thursday night at the Moline Club.  This man out of Iowa City, very well educated in the medical field and such other educational backgrounds decided that he was going to firmly state that mental illnesses are all made up and don't exist.  He says it all dates back to previous centuries when these people were outcasted because they were different and society labeled them as having an illness so they were ostricized and were probed with scaples and hammers to remove parts of the brain.  I understand that in some respects.  He also says that life is hard and people just need to deal with it like everyone else and drug companies are profiting off these people who are "claiming" to have a mental illness and they have been so drugged up that they have lost a sense of who they are.  I can see the drugged part of the argument, but not everyone who has a mental illness is drugged up and yes, some drugs are better than others and have some serious side effects.  I was not a fan of the Prozac and I am glad that I am not on it anymore.  But again, who is to say that it does not work for someone else?  Before you knew it many people were speaking out kind of angerly.  I sat and listened to what everyone had to say.  It is easy for one to think that someone can think it is so easy to just think themselves happy and to just appreciate life. Easier said than done.  Some people just are not strong willed and their brains are chemically imbalanced making this reasoning not possible to bring them out of the depression.  And remember depression is not just a period of sadness like a couple days or weeks.  It is months, aka a long term period of sadness and loss of self worth.  But I can fully see the argument on depression.  Just like I could see the arguments on the ADHD and ADD.  I do agree that more and more kids nowadays are being put on ridilin.  Do they have these illnesses or are they just at the point of no return of being controlled because their parents are not disciplining them the way they should.  Then you have the lady who says she has been diagnosed as having schizophrenia and she hears voices and she asks "so is that made up too?"  I completely agree. Some illnesses are worse than others and some are in a gray area that we don't know what they are or how to treat leading to misdiagnosis and drugs and therapies that don't work.  I thought it was very clever how an older gentleman stood up and said "I don't know about you but I would think that I would want someone who has OCD to work on my car"  His thought was that some people think there is something wrong with them because society thinks there is something wrong when in fact maybe they just aren't functioning in the right place.  Think about it.  OCD, the perfectionist.  How can you go wrong?  Your car will not be returned until the job is done, THE RIGHT WAY.  How clever is that?

I enjoyed all the people that came up to me and congradulated me for my courage to stand up and openly talk about it.  There were many words of encouragement and I appreciated that too.  Despite the fact that this man was very open on his opinion which directly just went against everything I just said, I have to say I admire someone that is willing to drive all that way to voice their opinion on my subject.  Thank you.

So now I have to ask, do you believe in mental illness or is it all made up like he said??  Was the kid who shot and killed/injured all those people at the movie theatre in Colorado mentally sick or was his rage just all made up??

Friday, June 8, 2012

A NEW CHAPTER-NEW LIFE

I know it has been a while since I have blogged and I apologize in advance to those of you who look forward to my new posts.  I will say this, my absence has not been from laziness, but because AGAIN, I had lost a lot of interest and motivation in the things I like and love to do. 

Mental illness can make or break a person.  I have been dealing with depression pretty bad in the past few months following a major change in my life with having to just pick up and move all of a sudden because I couldn't handle all the drama where I was.  (thankfully I got through the move with some very helpful people, not sure what I would have done without them) After seeing a new doctor I had a new diagnosis and a change in meds twice in a short amount of time.  He first started to treat with Prozac because of the major symptoms I was showing after I was taken off the Cymbalta.  I cried a lot.  I was down on myself a lot.  I was pulling away from the world.  I did not want to get out of the bed in the mornings.  I was ALWAYS late for work.  I didn't even care to wear make-up or care too much for my appearance.  I quit modeling and I was happy to be done with the whole pageant deal (not normal for me).  I was irritated and on edge a lot as well.  In fact, I wanted to just give up on life.

It was a real eye-opener when I was diagnosed about a month later with a form of bipolar disorder.  When my new doc, which was a licensed psychiatrist and no longer a psychiatric nurse practitioner, got more in depth with what was going on and how I was dealing with my life he was able to diagnose me and give me yet another medication.  Talk about FRUSTRATING!!!  I walked away from that appt. with all kinds of things going through my mind and dealing with other personal things happening in my life and I asked myself, is it worth living for and do I really want to continue to take these stupid medications that don't seem to do anything for me.  I snapped on everyone and I felt like the world was closing in on me and I could not handle it.  I was at my breaking point.  Even my job was telling me, some things have got to change.  That's when I knew it was bad.

I did one of the only things I knew to do.  One of the closest people in my family that I knew was going to "keep it real" and not sugar coat their take on my situation.  I got on skype with my Aunt Daphne.  It was a Monday night, the last day of April...but the next day was the beginning of the month I dread every year since my daddy had passed.  My birthday, his birthday, Memorial Day.  I was already setting myself up for the worst like I do every year.  I told my aunt, "I don't know what to do, take the new meds or not (I quit the prozac for a lil over a week) and honestly I do not want to be here"  She told me that I needed to start talking to the man upstairs AND don't be so quick to not give these new meds a try even though I was sick of taking them.  One of the last things she said to me was "If you gonna kill yourself you better be damn sure you are successful because I will personally come to that hospital and kick your ass". (gotta love my aunt Daphne) Plus not to mention that we had this Vegas trip planned for my 30th bday and everyone had already paid for their tickets, lol  She told me that she would be VERY upset.

If there is one person that I do not like to disappoint is my aunt.  She has always been there for me and always made sure that I felt special even when my daddy was not the father he was supposed to be.  One thing I also took from our conversation was the fact that I did really deep down care what she thought about my look on life and because she had been there for me all my life I thought about what she said when she told me that all she wanted was for me to put all this aside and be happy on my birthday weekend and thereafter because it kills her that I am the way I am because she does not know how to help me and therefore she can't help me.  Honestly, I did not have the answer to that question either...

I laid in the bed late that night and I thought about it.  I searched deep within myself.  I pulled out my bible and flipped to a random chapter and just started to read.  I asked God to please, lift this burden off my shoulders.  I told him I would do anything if it meant I didn't have to keep living my life this way and depending on other people to make me happy.  I apologized for not coming to him sooner because Lord knows I needed him more than ever.  At the end of that conversation I got up. Picked up the pill bottle (a mood stabilizer, no longer a depression medication, and yes, still on anxiety meds by the way) and took my dose.  When I woke up I had a new sense of energy and I was on time for work.  My hair was done, my make-up was done, and I told myself, today is the 1st day of May.  A new month and a new beginning.  No more tears and no more saddness of what I can not change.  I felt beautiful, not appearance wise, but I felt good on the inside. 

I had a Vegas trip to prepare for in 11 days!!  Now that was something to be excited about.  I was going to reunite with my sister after 13 years.  I was going to be with my favorite Aunt and one of my favorite cousins because I knew she was going to make me laugh and smile (we are ALWAYS so silly when we get together and my dad used to always call us just that, SILLY...)  I remembered my last session with my therapist when she told me that I was entitled to celebrate all month long or a week or a few weeks for my birthday.  I decided to celebrate all month long because I was celebrating life.  I CHOSE LIFE.  I bought things for myself, not splurging, but just a lil something here and there when I wasn't receiving early gifts from my mom or cards in the mail.  The closest people to me came through for me.  I was truely happy and not depressed.  I even had an awesome photoshoot with XL Images and the photos turned out FANTASTIC!  May was not perfect by any means with a few hiccups here and there but all in all it was great.  One of my girl's had a lil boy born on my daddy's birthday.  A beautiful thing when you can take the focus off what was gone but now is born.  It was a day of celebration all around. 

I took the last bit of money I had and put it towards another Teddy bear after the party and made a birthday teddy to commemorate my daddy's birthday.  Another "Walter" of course, complete with a party hat, card, and cupcake. It was special in that the birth certificate for the bear had my daddy's birthday on it.  The last bear I made was on the anniversary of his death which I remember shedding just a few tears when it was all done.  This time, there were no more tears.  The only tears I shed in the month of May were tears of joy because I got to hug my "little" sister after 13 years.  NOW THAT is a reason to be happy!!

Remember, only you are in control of your own happiness.  It is easier said than done and trust me, I know all too well.  As of now, I have plans to keep on with my modeling and do more shoots.  Since turning 30 I have stepped back from pageant competing.  I plan on doing motivational speaking (local or far) and working on my inspirational autobiography.  It is important to share with the world, not to make people feel sorry for you, but to show that you can be a person of status, or not, and still overcome and do great things!! IT IS POSSIBLE AND THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!! DON'T GIVE UP!