Friday, July 20, 2012

To believe or Not to believe

These past few months have prompted me to realize more and more that my purpose here is to inspire.  I now know that my calling is to inspire others who deal with mental illnesses to know that there is life beyond the darkness and having a mental illness does not make you any less of a person as the next.  It just means that people don't want to accept you for who you are because of the stigma.  Last night I was invited to speak, to inspire again on my journey whereever it may lead or however far it may reach.

My first appearance at the Moline Club was a rather small audience and had a different purpose.  Here I was Ms. Iowa American Coed 2011 speaking out on one of two platforms, which were both so very close to me at heart.  Mental Illness.  I participated in walks, spoke out in the community, and raised money for places that treated mental illnesses with organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illnesses) and the MJL Foundation for Depression and Suicide Awareness.  I spoke as a person who had come out of the darkness and hadn't been there for a while trying to get everyone to understand that this can happen to anyone.  I say to anyone that it makes me feel good and to know that out of every appearance I make no matter what subject it is on, Leukemia or Mental Health I have it least 1 person, not just one, but it least one person that will contact me or come up to me and express their personal dealings.  I can't tell you the number of emails and people that have personally come up to me to express how proud they are that I am able to talk about it.  I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for understanding and for people to recognize that we are not as different as society thinks we are and we all have our purpose, some people just havn't found it yet.  That alone can be depressing.

Last night I appeared at the Moline Club for the second time, not as a beauty queen, but as Monica Lacovitch, the former title holder and up and coming model who has had her ups and downs with this disease and still pressing on.  My take on the subject was different this time.  The effects on family and friends who deal with people such as myself or loved ones with a mental illness.  Again, kind of hard considering my last episode was so recent and I know I hurt quite a few people and even made them mad.  But hey, it comes with the program and I am kind of used to it.  It's just something we have to deal with.  Close to 20 people or so showed up.  All backgrounds, genders and ages.  There was even a lady there who had a daughter that tried to commit suicide this past week and was in the process of being admitted so I could tell she was VERY interested in what I had to say.  Everyone was very receptive to what I had to say and there was quite a discussion at the end.  People wanted to know, how do you gain support when you isolate yourself?  Do you find that your moods are seasonal like maybe worse in the winter than the summer?  What do you experience in your highs and lows?  How long has it been since you were diagnosed with Bipolar disorder?  Many offered suggestions that were very encouraging such as taking walks, exercising, eating right, talking yourself out of your moods and even meditating.  All seemed to be helpful suggestions, but the key thing is... when you are so depressed you are past being able to talk yourself out of it and you don't feel like doing anything.  I did mention that once I start getting to know more of what my triggers are and being able to catch myself before I fall, which is what my therapist is helping with, these things won't be so hard.  Right now my mood is great! I feel good, I feel motivated and I feel like I can take on the world.  My anxiety, still not so great, but we are working on it as I look at myself as a continuing project to be maintained and finished.  There really was a LOT of support coming from these people who I truely did not know from a can of paint and that let me know that I had carried out my purpose in that session.

As I stated before, there was quite a discussion.  Out of nowhere things took a very downward turn and I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, thoughts, and ideas, which is the purpose for the Independent Scholar's Evening that is held every Thursday night at the Moline Club.  This man out of Iowa City, very well educated in the medical field and such other educational backgrounds decided that he was going to firmly state that mental illnesses are all made up and don't exist.  He says it all dates back to previous centuries when these people were outcasted because they were different and society labeled them as having an illness so they were ostricized and were probed with scaples and hammers to remove parts of the brain.  I understand that in some respects.  He also says that life is hard and people just need to deal with it like everyone else and drug companies are profiting off these people who are "claiming" to have a mental illness and they have been so drugged up that they have lost a sense of who they are.  I can see the drugged part of the argument, but not everyone who has a mental illness is drugged up and yes, some drugs are better than others and have some serious side effects.  I was not a fan of the Prozac and I am glad that I am not on it anymore.  But again, who is to say that it does not work for someone else?  Before you knew it many people were speaking out kind of angerly.  I sat and listened to what everyone had to say.  It is easy for one to think that someone can think it is so easy to just think themselves happy and to just appreciate life. Easier said than done.  Some people just are not strong willed and their brains are chemically imbalanced making this reasoning not possible to bring them out of the depression.  And remember depression is not just a period of sadness like a couple days or weeks.  It is months, aka a long term period of sadness and loss of self worth.  But I can fully see the argument on depression.  Just like I could see the arguments on the ADHD and ADD.  I do agree that more and more kids nowadays are being put on ridilin.  Do they have these illnesses or are they just at the point of no return of being controlled because their parents are not disciplining them the way they should.  Then you have the lady who says she has been diagnosed as having schizophrenia and she hears voices and she asks "so is that made up too?"  I completely agree. Some illnesses are worse than others and some are in a gray area that we don't know what they are or how to treat leading to misdiagnosis and drugs and therapies that don't work.  I thought it was very clever how an older gentleman stood up and said "I don't know about you but I would think that I would want someone who has OCD to work on my car"  His thought was that some people think there is something wrong with them because society thinks there is something wrong when in fact maybe they just aren't functioning in the right place.  Think about it.  OCD, the perfectionist.  How can you go wrong?  Your car will not be returned until the job is done, THE RIGHT WAY.  How clever is that?

I enjoyed all the people that came up to me and congradulated me for my courage to stand up and openly talk about it.  There were many words of encouragement and I appreciated that too.  Despite the fact that this man was very open on his opinion which directly just went against everything I just said, I have to say I admire someone that is willing to drive all that way to voice their opinion on my subject.  Thank you.

So now I have to ask, do you believe in mental illness or is it all made up like he said??  Was the kid who shot and killed/injured all those people at the movie theatre in Colorado mentally sick or was his rage just all made up??

2 comments:

  1. I believe mental illness exists. However, I do believe it is perpetuated and aggravated by social aspects that are controllable such as illegal drug use or alcohol. Nevertheless, mental illness is obviously real but the human inability cope and deal with it, if possible, has been hindered by our dependence on medication and treating symptoms verse curing problems.

    As for the Colorado cat, I don't know enough details, but regardless of the status of his mental illness his behavior is completely unacceptable.

    It is hard for someone free from (or in an unnoticeable state) to understand the struggles of someone deeply affected by mental illness. It is like asking a man to understand what a woman feels. It is impossible. One can sympathize but to fully understand the pain of anything it must be experienced. However, everything is not meant to be experienced by every person.

    Thanks for the discussion!

    Erie PS I didn't have my own URL

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    1. That's exactly my point I was trying to make. People like him don't understand because they are able to deal with anything that comes their way and therefore don't have to deal with having a mental illness. Others, such as myself, have to be trained to be able to deal with what has happened or happens in our lives while in the process of being medicated until we can handle on our own one day...

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