In a previous blog you may remember me talking about the side effects of abruptly stopping an anti-depressant medication. Being on an antidepressant can work so well that you forget what it is like to even be depressed. I have overcome this illness for the most part, but I still struggle when I don't have my meds or in certain situations like a sudden big change.
You may ask yourselves, how do you just run out of a medication? Why do you wait so long to refill it? Why would a doctor allow you to run out? It is simple. My insurance does not have co-pays and I rely on my doctor from home and the program under Lily, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Cymbalta. As far as my doctor, who knows... other patients I guess. Or it could be that they are not depressed themselves and do not run out of meds to know how bad the side effects really are unless they experience them themselves. I can't worry myself to death about these questions because in the meantime I am still out of medication.
Just to give you an idea... (I have been trying to reach my doctor for the past 2 weeks by the way, before I ran out of medication) I took my last pill on Saturday, June 25th. Sunday I was okay. Monday morning I felt like a bus had hit me because I had no energy and my head was pounding. All I could do was sleep. It was a struggle to get up to go to the bathroom, take the dog out, and when my phone was acting weird I literally had to pull myself out of bed at 1pm to go and have it serviced to figure out what was wrong with it. (some of you may not think the cell phone thing is a big deal, but I am not from here and have no family close by. Not to mention I have a job where people do worry about me) My appetite has picked up way more than normal by the end of the day. I go from being very happy to my mind overthinking the "what-ifs" "I don't know what I will do if I lose my dog, I don't want to be alone. What is going to happen when my mother passes away?" (she is not even sick) Then I have a crying spell. Again, exhausted. Then the neighbor is blasting music and I am so irritated that I am just in a bad mood like I could just start yelling at anybody. Tuesday I feel well rested because I went to bed and slept even more after sleeping in until about 1pm on Monday. My head is not pounding but there is a slight light headedness that I feel like I am beside myself. That morning I am not too hungry, lunchtime I am starving. Then I am craving food and I just ate. My stomach is okay one minute, the next I am feeling like "why did I eat that?" I am on edge and at one point I just keep eating candy. I am at work looking at my computer screen like I want to cry. Then I am irritated. Finally, it is time to go home for the day. When I get home I am supposed to do laundry and start packing. Instead, I sit down and just stare into silence. Then I start to eat again. Then I want to cry again. Then I am mad.
Today, I wake up feeling slightly nauseated. I am now on edge. I have the chills, racing thoughts and like I could talk a million miles a minute. My head feels like it wants to be dizzy but does not quite make it to the dizziness. I still have an overactive appetite but I can feel it diminishing into not wanting anything. My body is tired because my anxiety levels are up.
At the present time I have been blessed into finding out about programs like Vera French, here in Davenport, IA, which is a community based service for mental health. Once I can get my doctor to talk to them or send records I will be able to start getting my medications under their program. Unfortunately, I am in a tight spot because my doctor is in Kentucky and Lily does not respond like they should for refills for Cymbalta for patients under their program to get free medication because you can not afford. Cymbalta is $150 a bottle for a month supply without insurance. Too bad my insurance does not offer co-pays in order to be able to afford my medication. What lies ahead is probably a change in medication once I can get in for my appointment at the end of August as there is quite a waiting list for any mental health doctor in the area. Going to a general practitioner will not give you the specialized care you will need in order to find the right medication and for them to understand your illness. I wouldn't advise just going to a general doctor for continued care, but if you are experiencing symptoms of mental illness it is best to see someone as soon as possible so that they may refer you to a doctor who specializes in mental illness. The same medication does not work for everybody. And if at all possible, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ACCESSS WHERE YOU CAN KEEP UP ON MEDS BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU VERY SICK IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.
When you don't have your medication it can take you back to those old feelings of depression that you had previously before you started taking the medication. It can even make it worse making you extra irritable and sensitive to things or situations you may not otherwise react to had you been still taking your medication. Please be sure you let someone you trust and are close to know what is going on. That way if you start to feel really sick someone will know what is going on and can get you the proper care. If you are having increased suicidal thoughts or thoughts of hurting yourself, please go to emergency care IMMEDIATELY!! Even if I don't hear from my doctor within the next couple of days, I will be home in Kentucky by Friday and will be able to stop by and get samples to last me until she is able to get time to get my medical records to the office here. (Don't worry about me, I will be fine and I have let people know what is going on in case something really bad happens that I can not respond)
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
My first appearance with Leukemia and Lymphoma Society
As you know, from my blog yesterday, I had a speaking appearance with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society at their Annual Corporate Cocktail Reception. We had a small crowd, but it was the quality of the people that were there... We had representatives from a radio station, the corporate chair for the Quad Cities area, CSL plasma, Camp Heart Connection (leukemia camp for children), and others that I can not remember. Our patient ambassador was there, Alyssa, who is only 19-years old and a 13-year survivor spoke on her experiences as a patient and what she went through. Melanie Brown, our Executive Director for the Iowa Chapter, spoke on how she started the chapter in her home and branched out into an office and how working with LLS has had an impact on her life. Warren Lloyd, the Corporate Walk Chair for the Quad Cities and Vice-President KJWW Engineering in Rock Island, gave statistics and facts from his daughter, who is in her residency as a doctor about working with patients who have Leukemia and what needed to be done.
All of this information was very helpful and eye-opening. It really gave a positive insight on the survival rate of Leukemia and improvements that are made on the quality of life for patients through a lot of research that has not only been done in the U.S. but in Europe and Canada as well!!! Those numbers that I gave you from a 2000 statistic are scary, but have improved because of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. All that money that is donated helps with research and financial aid for families struggling to pay co-pays and other bills associated with the care of a Leukemia patient.
When it was my turn to speak I guess the mood kind of changed. Everyone was talking about the great survival stories, seeing children who once had leukemia/who are in remission graduating high school, etc. Then I get up there and I talk about my experiences remembering what my dad had told me about things he had went through and difficulties and the unhappy ending. I didn't want to cry, but I did. I was happy for those with the happy stories but I guess I got lost in what I had to say and the saddness returned, realizing that my dad was not one of the lucky ones. I can usually keep it together, but not this time. I hoped that the people there were able to realize that it is not always a happy ending and I ended by saying "Maybe one day there won't be a 22-year-old girl sitting in a funeral because her father lost his battle with Leukemia."
The Executive director, Melanie, was at my table and she put her hand over mine. She knew all too well the feeling that I was having and have dealt with a number of families who have had the same results. Many came up to me and thanked me for sharing. When everyone had left I was able to sit down and have a few laughs with the staff of LLS of Iowa and started talking about the Kick Off Party that would be more positive on July 12th. Jessica Reiter, the campaign manager, told me that they looked forward to seeing me on the 12th and I would again share my story. I jokingly said "And this time I AM NOT GOING TO CRY!" lol It made me feel better when Melanie came over and gave me a hug and told me, "You just never know, I sometimes cry too."
All of this information was very helpful and eye-opening. It really gave a positive insight on the survival rate of Leukemia and improvements that are made on the quality of life for patients through a lot of research that has not only been done in the U.S. but in Europe and Canada as well!!! Those numbers that I gave you from a 2000 statistic are scary, but have improved because of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. All that money that is donated helps with research and financial aid for families struggling to pay co-pays and other bills associated with the care of a Leukemia patient.
When it was my turn to speak I guess the mood kind of changed. Everyone was talking about the great survival stories, seeing children who once had leukemia/who are in remission graduating high school, etc. Then I get up there and I talk about my experiences remembering what my dad had told me about things he had went through and difficulties and the unhappy ending. I didn't want to cry, but I did. I was happy for those with the happy stories but I guess I got lost in what I had to say and the saddness returned, realizing that my dad was not one of the lucky ones. I can usually keep it together, but not this time. I hoped that the people there were able to realize that it is not always a happy ending and I ended by saying "Maybe one day there won't be a 22-year-old girl sitting in a funeral because her father lost his battle with Leukemia."
The Executive director, Melanie, was at my table and she put her hand over mine. She knew all too well the feeling that I was having and have dealt with a number of families who have had the same results. Many came up to me and thanked me for sharing. When everyone had left I was able to sit down and have a few laughs with the staff of LLS of Iowa and started talking about the Kick Off Party that would be more positive on July 12th. Jessica Reiter, the campaign manager, told me that they looked forward to seeing me on the 12th and I would again share my story. I jokingly said "And this time I AM NOT GOING TO CRY!" lol It made me feel better when Melanie came over and gave me a hug and told me, "You just never know, I sometimes cry too."
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tonight I stand for Leukemia
Here we go!! My first major speaking appearance as Ms. Iowa American Coed. Tonight I will attend the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society of Iowa's corporate cocktail reception at Stoney Creek Inn in Moline, IL from 5:30-7pm. Anyone is invited, so if you are in the area and would like to attend just show up!!
For those of you that don't know and have not followed any of my blog or stories, my daddy was diagnosed with Leukemia back in the 90s and passed away on December 30, 2004. I was a youngn' still in high school when I found out and I learned of this after overhearing someone talking at another family member's funeral. I don't think I really understood what Leukemia was even though I knew of some people that had it. I just knew that it was a cancer and it made you very, very, sick with having something to do with your blood. That is just what Leukemia is, a cancer of the blood or the bone marrow. How scary is that? I can't imagine being in my daddy's shoes at the time he found out or was so sick and did not know what was going on. I was not around to know what was going on and didn't know what the signs are for someone who could have a blood cancer. I am still not fully educated on this subject and am continuing to do research to be more knowledgable. I would by lying if I said that I did not have the fear that I may one day have it too. It is important to have blood screenings done it least once a year, especially after the age of 25. It has been quite some time since I have had anything like that done due to the loss of insurance when I had lost my job in 2009. (I will be at my new job a year next month, and this insurance we have does not do co-pays) My goal is to have some blood work done by the end of the year as I do realize that I am a direct decendent of someone who had the disease. Blood work will be able to make sure that my white blood cell levels are low/normal. Unfortunately, even blood work may not always catch the cells because the Leukemia is in early stages or has entered a remission. The American Cancer Society predicts that at least 1/5 of the people with Leukemia have not been diagnosed.
Back in 2000, 256,000 children and adults in the U.S. were diagnosed with Leukemia and 209,000 died from it. This number is scary in that it does not show enough people that survive this. With these numbers, which I would hope have decreased since the year 2000 makes it even more important to be able to fund studies and research to find better ways to treat the disease, effective means of treating it, and improving the quality of life for patients with the disease.
I am excited to help raise money for this cause. Maybe one day there won't be another daughter that has to plan a funeral by herself for her parent because of losing his battle with Leukemia. Tonight I will talk to top corporate people of companies around the Quad Cities and tell them about my experience losing a family member to Leukemia. I pray that I am able to deliver the right words and make it through my speech without shedding too many tears. Maybe I will reach the heart and ear of someone who is debating whether they want to give money to this cause that is dear to my heart as well. (I also have another platform)
So tonight, I stand for Leukemia...
For those of you that don't know and have not followed any of my blog or stories, my daddy was diagnosed with Leukemia back in the 90s and passed away on December 30, 2004. I was a youngn' still in high school when I found out and I learned of this after overhearing someone talking at another family member's funeral. I don't think I really understood what Leukemia was even though I knew of some people that had it. I just knew that it was a cancer and it made you very, very, sick with having something to do with your blood. That is just what Leukemia is, a cancer of the blood or the bone marrow. How scary is that? I can't imagine being in my daddy's shoes at the time he found out or was so sick and did not know what was going on. I was not around to know what was going on and didn't know what the signs are for someone who could have a blood cancer. I am still not fully educated on this subject and am continuing to do research to be more knowledgable. I would by lying if I said that I did not have the fear that I may one day have it too. It is important to have blood screenings done it least once a year, especially after the age of 25. It has been quite some time since I have had anything like that done due to the loss of insurance when I had lost my job in 2009. (I will be at my new job a year next month, and this insurance we have does not do co-pays) My goal is to have some blood work done by the end of the year as I do realize that I am a direct decendent of someone who had the disease. Blood work will be able to make sure that my white blood cell levels are low/normal. Unfortunately, even blood work may not always catch the cells because the Leukemia is in early stages or has entered a remission. The American Cancer Society predicts that at least 1/5 of the people with Leukemia have not been diagnosed.
Back in 2000, 256,000 children and adults in the U.S. were diagnosed with Leukemia and 209,000 died from it. This number is scary in that it does not show enough people that survive this. With these numbers, which I would hope have decreased since the year 2000 makes it even more important to be able to fund studies and research to find better ways to treat the disease, effective means of treating it, and improving the quality of life for patients with the disease.
I am excited to help raise money for this cause. Maybe one day there won't be another daughter that has to plan a funeral by herself for her parent because of losing his battle with Leukemia. Tonight I will talk to top corporate people of companies around the Quad Cities and tell them about my experience losing a family member to Leukemia. I pray that I am able to deliver the right words and make it through my speech without shedding too many tears. Maybe I will reach the heart and ear of someone who is debating whether they want to give money to this cause that is dear to my heart as well. (I also have another platform)
So tonight, I stand for Leukemia...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
You can't just "get over it"
For those of you that are still trying to figure things out and are getting frustrated with the people around you because they don't understand... you don't just "get over it" I have been on meds and have seen a psychiatric nurse practitioner in the past for counseling, went to church, prayed, and all that good stuff that people tell you to do when you are depressed, and here 4, 5, 6, years later I still deal with it.
This weekend is the weekend that people go out and celebrate dads every year. For me, this is one of the most difficult times of the year, as for anyone who has lost a loved one, they associate certain days/times of the year with the loved ones that are no longer with us. Every year you may tell yourself, as do I, it is going to be different. Just in being around other people that know your situation, but have also never been in the situation you are in, they will or may say "you will get over it" No, it gets easier but you can never be truly "over it"
Depression is not a switch you can turn on and off. Here it is almost six years later after my dad's passing and I still have a difficult time with Father's Day weekend. I have dreaded it, I am not over it, but I am more optimistic about it in that I decided that I wanted to do something to celebrate my dad's life. I decided that I wanted to let go of some balloons in the air in memory of my daddy. I first went to dollar tree and don't you know they do not have any solid balloons and if you buy a bag of balloons they will not fill them up. I was highly disappointed and for a second wanted to cry (that was the depression kicking in. U get upset easier and maybe even mad/irritated) I go back to my car and the wheels are turning and I am thinking Factory Card Outlet, 6 balloons (one for each year it has been since he has passed) and colors of red and white for Leukemia and because he was a Louisville fan. I knew he would appreciate that. Sometimes God puts a small road block in your path to slow you down and think for a second. I honestly thought about how many I was going to get after I was turned down the first stop. I make it back near my house and go to let them go on a dead end when they all go towards the power lines and get stuck. (seriously!!!!!!!) I just thought to myself, either I was rushing things and it really was not time to do something like that, or I was just overthinking and getting too upset just because they got stuck. I didn't know what to make of what had just happened but it was the thought that counted...right? I knew it would be okay when I was able to get back in the car and not sit there and dwell on it and get myself upset. After all, this was to be a celebration of his life, and I am pretty sure he did not want me to just sit there and cry about it.
For some of you that have recently lost loved ones days like this will seem like the worst day ever and you can never know how you will feel. When I first lost my dad I never thought I would ever be able to go on and feel okay. Never feel like you have to get over it and you take as long to grieve as you would like. Remember, everyone is different. Some people get over it a little easier than others. Some people get depressed, some people don't. Our bodies or our minds don't always know how to deal with certain things. You may be fine for months, maybe even a few years and then it hits you. I cried a lot the first year. Did things that were out of the normal for me and had a really different frame of mind. People were confused about who I was and even I was. I had even been told to "snap out of it." If it were just that easy everyone would just "snap out of it."
This weekend is the weekend that people go out and celebrate dads every year. For me, this is one of the most difficult times of the year, as for anyone who has lost a loved one, they associate certain days/times of the year with the loved ones that are no longer with us. Every year you may tell yourself, as do I, it is going to be different. Just in being around other people that know your situation, but have also never been in the situation you are in, they will or may say "you will get over it" No, it gets easier but you can never be truly "over it"
Depression is not a switch you can turn on and off. Here it is almost six years later after my dad's passing and I still have a difficult time with Father's Day weekend. I have dreaded it, I am not over it, but I am more optimistic about it in that I decided that I wanted to do something to celebrate my dad's life. I decided that I wanted to let go of some balloons in the air in memory of my daddy. I first went to dollar tree and don't you know they do not have any solid balloons and if you buy a bag of balloons they will not fill them up. I was highly disappointed and for a second wanted to cry (that was the depression kicking in. U get upset easier and maybe even mad/irritated) I go back to my car and the wheels are turning and I am thinking Factory Card Outlet, 6 balloons (one for each year it has been since he has passed) and colors of red and white for Leukemia and because he was a Louisville fan. I knew he would appreciate that. Sometimes God puts a small road block in your path to slow you down and think for a second. I honestly thought about how many I was going to get after I was turned down the first stop. I make it back near my house and go to let them go on a dead end when they all go towards the power lines and get stuck. (seriously!!!!!!!) I just thought to myself, either I was rushing things and it really was not time to do something like that, or I was just overthinking and getting too upset just because they got stuck. I didn't know what to make of what had just happened but it was the thought that counted...right? I knew it would be okay when I was able to get back in the car and not sit there and dwell on it and get myself upset. After all, this was to be a celebration of his life, and I am pretty sure he did not want me to just sit there and cry about it.
For some of you that have recently lost loved ones days like this will seem like the worst day ever and you can never know how you will feel. When I first lost my dad I never thought I would ever be able to go on and feel okay. Never feel like you have to get over it and you take as long to grieve as you would like. Remember, everyone is different. Some people get over it a little easier than others. Some people get depressed, some people don't. Our bodies or our minds don't always know how to deal with certain things. You may be fine for months, maybe even a few years and then it hits you. I cried a lot the first year. Did things that were out of the normal for me and had a really different frame of mind. People were confused about who I was and even I was. I had even been told to "snap out of it." If it were just that easy everyone would just "snap out of it."
Friday, June 17, 2011
More and More an Iowan...
Got my official Iowa License this past week. Talk about so not used to a driver's license that has so much going on on it. lol It even has a raised signature, that is pretty neat. I do not like the fact that it is flimsy. Kentucky licenses are much more sturdy like a credit card. Iowa I am not impressed with your license...lol Another fact that I had to have a paper license and then my real one was sent in the mail. You say for fraud purposes, well, in Kentucky we get our license in the same day and I don't think we have had any problems with fraud. We have a design that is like a hold it in the light a certain way type deal to see the design, and it has worked just fine. lol
Another accomplishment of today. I have an official mental health doctor here in the Quad Cities. I guess it was time. I have had so much trouble with getting meds from Kentucky and I must admit that I still need follow-ups from time to time and maybe even a change of medication. (I think my meds made me gain some extra weight) I honestly don't eat as much as I used to and I am still somewhat "heavy" People may look at me and be like yea right, you look great, but I know what I am used to being and when I put on clothes that are fitting tighter than what they used to and I have been changing what I eat and starting to work out again, I just feel like that could be changed and maybe it is my medication.
I have been putting it off for the simple fact that I don't like change so much. I have always been set in my ways and have never dealt with change well, especially after my daddy passed. When I moved in with my boyfriend I had actually been so obsessed with things being the same and needing to feel like I was still daddy's lil girl that I had to have a two bedroom so that I could have "my room" It was awful in a sense, but I was always comfortable in "my room" So you must know how hard it was when I was making the decision to pick up and leave to come to Iowa. This was such a big change. But I felt like it was what I needed to do to get my life on track before I let my depression consume me.
When I first moved here I had ran out of meds and my dr. back home had ran out of samples along with the pharmaceutical company not refilling as timely as they should. I got really sick from not having my medication and held out as long as I could. I thought my only option was to go to the emergency room at Genesis Hospital. The mental health doctor there was horrible to me. He fussed at me saying "if you are going to be living here you need to have a dr." and "why didn't you go to community health rather than coming here?" HEEEELLLLLOOOOO!!!! Does it sound like I am from here? I had not even heard of community health care and surely didn't know where it was. He acted like it was such a big deal because I came there. Correct me if I am wrong, but if you are a mental health dr. and a patient is coming to you complaining of symptoms of severe depression times 10, wouldn't you think they would be more careful about how they speak to someone who is in a fragile mental state. Honestly, if I knew my way around I would have found the nearest high top building and jumped. That is how I felt. I hadn't had meds in almost a week. I was crying, having extreme mood swings, sleeping a lot, feeling nauseated... I felt horrible and all he could do was lecture me and talk to me like I was the scum of the earth because I came to the emergency room.
I am thankful that because I have come out with this platform of depression and suicide awareness that it has allowed me to build many contacts, including those in the mental health community. With that being said, I was put in touch with a highly recommended psychiatric nurse practitioner just like from home. My contacts knew of my problems because of my openess and I was comfortable being referred to their staff. That brings much joy to my heart that I can find just as caring people in the Midwest that care about my well-being and they don't even know me. I can now breathe with ease that I have an appointment set for August. That is far off, but I will be able to get my prescriptions wrote out here and not have to have them mailed from Kentucky from my doctor where the pharmaceutical company mails them to. I don't have to even wait for my appointment, all my doc has to do is fax a few notes with my prescriptions.
If anyone here in the Quad Cities area needs help finding the help they need for mental health, please feel free to contact Vera French, MJL Foundation, or myself. There is more help around than you think there is and it is never hopeless because you can't afford to be helped. There is help available no matter what you financial situation is. Programs all around and people like Vera French and MJL that raise money for people in need who suffer from many forms of mental health, not just depression or suicidal thoughts...
Another accomplishment of today. I have an official mental health doctor here in the Quad Cities. I guess it was time. I have had so much trouble with getting meds from Kentucky and I must admit that I still need follow-ups from time to time and maybe even a change of medication. (I think my meds made me gain some extra weight) I honestly don't eat as much as I used to and I am still somewhat "heavy" People may look at me and be like yea right, you look great, but I know what I am used to being and when I put on clothes that are fitting tighter than what they used to and I have been changing what I eat and starting to work out again, I just feel like that could be changed and maybe it is my medication.
I have been putting it off for the simple fact that I don't like change so much. I have always been set in my ways and have never dealt with change well, especially after my daddy passed. When I moved in with my boyfriend I had actually been so obsessed with things being the same and needing to feel like I was still daddy's lil girl that I had to have a two bedroom so that I could have "my room" It was awful in a sense, but I was always comfortable in "my room" So you must know how hard it was when I was making the decision to pick up and leave to come to Iowa. This was such a big change. But I felt like it was what I needed to do to get my life on track before I let my depression consume me.
When I first moved here I had ran out of meds and my dr. back home had ran out of samples along with the pharmaceutical company not refilling as timely as they should. I got really sick from not having my medication and held out as long as I could. I thought my only option was to go to the emergency room at Genesis Hospital. The mental health doctor there was horrible to me. He fussed at me saying "if you are going to be living here you need to have a dr." and "why didn't you go to community health rather than coming here?" HEEEELLLLLOOOOO!!!! Does it sound like I am from here? I had not even heard of community health care and surely didn't know where it was. He acted like it was such a big deal because I came there. Correct me if I am wrong, but if you are a mental health dr. and a patient is coming to you complaining of symptoms of severe depression times 10, wouldn't you think they would be more careful about how they speak to someone who is in a fragile mental state. Honestly, if I knew my way around I would have found the nearest high top building and jumped. That is how I felt. I hadn't had meds in almost a week. I was crying, having extreme mood swings, sleeping a lot, feeling nauseated... I felt horrible and all he could do was lecture me and talk to me like I was the scum of the earth because I came to the emergency room.
I am thankful that because I have come out with this platform of depression and suicide awareness that it has allowed me to build many contacts, including those in the mental health community. With that being said, I was put in touch with a highly recommended psychiatric nurse practitioner just like from home. My contacts knew of my problems because of my openess and I was comfortable being referred to their staff. That brings much joy to my heart that I can find just as caring people in the Midwest that care about my well-being and they don't even know me. I can now breathe with ease that I have an appointment set for August. That is far off, but I will be able to get my prescriptions wrote out here and not have to have them mailed from Kentucky from my doctor where the pharmaceutical company mails them to. I don't have to even wait for my appointment, all my doc has to do is fax a few notes with my prescriptions.
If anyone here in the Quad Cities area needs help finding the help they need for mental health, please feel free to contact Vera French, MJL Foundation, or myself. There is more help around than you think there is and it is never hopeless because you can't afford to be helped. There is help available no matter what you financial situation is. Programs all around and people like Vera French and MJL that raise money for people in need who suffer from many forms of mental health, not just depression or suicidal thoughts...
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I tackled my childhood fear!! One of them anyway...
When I was a kid I used to hate scary movies, but my parents would always watch them. Me being the kid that I was, I had to be right there and no, ifs, ands, or buts about it. People think I am much younger than I am and I am grateful for that. (It makes my day!!!) Back in my day there were no warnings for movies that said your kid may be really scared or have nightmares if you watch this. It least not that I can remember.
This time of year, right around Father's Day I really miss my dad. When I think of watching scary movies as a kid I think of him. Last night I went to Wal-Mart and went to the ol Redbox and noticed that the new Freddie Krueger movie was for rent. I must tell you that Freddie was my ultimate childhood scary dude, besides Candyman, but he was much later... I remember freaking out when we moved into an apartment that had stairs because I thought my feet were going to sink in them and he was going to get me, just like in the movie. Every time I was at my grandmother's house I thought he was going to appear outside because I remember in the movie outside there were shadows of tree branches in a scene and he just came out of nowhere. Talk about traumatized!!!!! LOL! But really, back then, the thought of someone killing you in your dreams and dying if you fell asleep...now that was something to be scared of. Not to mention that one had that had the bladed fingertips to slash you with.
So last night when I got home I popped it into the good ol Mickey Mouse DVD player (yes I have a mickey mouse dvd player, and no it is not the only dvd player I own, I have a grown up one too, LOL! But I am a huge Mickey Mouse fan so it fits) The beginning of the movie was much scarier than the rest of it. I was not impressed by Freddie's face as he looked much scarier in the older version. It was actually kind of comical the lines that he used. I was really thinking... was the movie when I was a kid just as corny??? I thought the story line was just a lil ridiculous. Really? Killing kids that he loved that were part of a preschool class? Why not go after the parents?? They were the ones that acted... I guess it is JUST A MOVIE.
So there you have it. Freddie Krueger, you don't scare me anymore. It is 20 years later and I can honestly say "I am over it" lol
This time of year, right around Father's Day I really miss my dad. When I think of watching scary movies as a kid I think of him. Last night I went to Wal-Mart and went to the ol Redbox and noticed that the new Freddie Krueger movie was for rent. I must tell you that Freddie was my ultimate childhood scary dude, besides Candyman, but he was much later... I remember freaking out when we moved into an apartment that had stairs because I thought my feet were going to sink in them and he was going to get me, just like in the movie. Every time I was at my grandmother's house I thought he was going to appear outside because I remember in the movie outside there were shadows of tree branches in a scene and he just came out of nowhere. Talk about traumatized!!!!! LOL! But really, back then, the thought of someone killing you in your dreams and dying if you fell asleep...now that was something to be scared of. Not to mention that one had that had the bladed fingertips to slash you with.
So last night when I got home I popped it into the good ol Mickey Mouse DVD player (yes I have a mickey mouse dvd player, and no it is not the only dvd player I own, I have a grown up one too, LOL! But I am a huge Mickey Mouse fan so it fits) The beginning of the movie was much scarier than the rest of it. I was not impressed by Freddie's face as he looked much scarier in the older version. It was actually kind of comical the lines that he used. I was really thinking... was the movie when I was a kid just as corny??? I thought the story line was just a lil ridiculous. Really? Killing kids that he loved that were part of a preschool class? Why not go after the parents?? They were the ones that acted... I guess it is JUST A MOVIE.
So there you have it. Freddie Krueger, you don't scare me anymore. It is 20 years later and I can honestly say "I am over it" lol
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Dealing with depression and Anxiety Meds
When you are diagnosed with severe depression sometimes counseling is not enough by itself. People toy with the idea as to whether they want to be on a medication for depression or anxiety because they fear that they will be so far gone they do not know who they are or they will be addicted to the medication. Honestly, I had the same fears, but by the time I went to the doctor when I knew something was terribly wrong, you almost don't care as long as you can get something or a plan to get you to feel better than what you do. There are so many misconceptions of depression medications.
What most of you don't know who are thinking about whether you need to be medicated or whether you are on a medication and you have started feeling down again, is that finding the right medication is trial and error, unfortunately... When I went to the doctor for the first time I did not go to a psychiatric doctor but my family doctor. She had me fill out a form that was much like a survey that was used to determine my level of anxiety/depression. Many questions are on there were quite personal but I had to be honest with myself if I intended to get help. According the the number of points that added up from each question there were levels of depression that coincided with the range of numbers where your points may fall. I cried even harder when I saw that my numbers were almost off the scale. I was scared and I just wanted everything to go away. All I kept thinking is "why I am here on this earth?" At that point my doctor put me on a generic for celexa. If I remember right it was 50mg.
Now the first time you take this type of medication you are in a fog. I am not going to tell you that it is all smooth like taking a tylenol or something. You will feel an effect. Your body has to get used to taking an antidepressant. Remember, those things in your brain that control your happy thoughts/your mood is what the medication is geared to target. Anytime you take a medication that effects the brain you will have some type of effect. With me, I just sat there, quiet. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to talk. In fact, just like it says in the side effects of any antidepressant medication that it may increase suicidal thoughts or increase your depression, it did just that. I didn't feel like I wanted to kill myself, but I felt like if anyone told me it was a good idea I would have believed them and maybe even attempted if I felt necessary. You have to really be careful about what you say or do around someone who is just starting on an antidepressant. Many people, including my boyfriend at the time, just did not understand. I felt like he didn't want to. He would say things like "why are you acting like that?" "Why don't you say something?" "Why are you so quiet?" I would just look at him. With not a care in the world. He could have told me the sky was falling and I just would have been like hmmmm, ok. This only lasted about a week, maybe. After that my mood started to improve more and more and I even had energy. I could get out of bed. I wasn't sleeping as much. I felt good.
Then about two months later things changed. I did not feel good anymore. It was time to go back to the doctor. This time she said maybe we should up your dosage and get you some counseling with someone who specializes in this. She recommended me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner in Lexington. (I had went to the doctor in my lil hometown) I met with her the first time and she immediately just switched me over to another medication. That medication being cymbalta. When you are transitioning from medication to the other you have to slowly wean yourself off one to start another. She lowered my dosage of the celexa and within a two weeks time I was on just the Cymbalta, low dosage at 30mg. My sessions with her were very helpful and eventually I was upped to 60mg as she saw how bad my depression truely was. Unfortunately, taking antidepressants can have side effects. Let's just say it magnified my anxiety levels and I could not relax to save my life!! I would go to sleep but my body wouldn't sleep. I got up at an ungodly early time and pretty soon my boyfriend was like you are jittery and I can't sleep that good when you keep moving. SO I had to tell my doctor what was going on. She put me on 50mg of trazodone which I take at night. This helped SOOOOO much. I was able to relax, I was falling asleep better and sleeping through the night. With this combination my anxiety had improved along with my mood. My weekly visits turned into every other week. It felt great. Then there was that point where she told me I didn't have to come on a regular basis anymore. It felt good.
I wanted to tell you that you must pay very close attention to any warnings. Don't ever abruptly stop an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. It has some serious side effects that can make you very sick. When I lost my health care coverage I was not able to fill my prescriptions as Cymbalta is a whopping $147 a bottle for a 30 day supply. Lilly pharmaceuticals understands this and has a program that allows you to get meds for free. Unfortunately, they don't always refill right away on your request. A few times too many I have dealt with being sick because I have ran out of meds and waiting to get samples from my doc in the mail because I live out of state is no fun. I would get dizzy, moody, crying spells, fevers, and even nautious. As you can imagine I have had it from both ends of the body. Not that great of a feeling. Once I do get my meds it take a few days for the symptoms to go away. Not fun.
Other than that, I feel that being medicated is so worth it. If you have any questions regarding medications of this sort or if you are toying with the idea that maybe you need to be medicated, please feel free to contact me!!! To this day, even 3 years later I am still doing fine with my meds. Not addicted. Not any different of a person. I am I guess you could say, back to my self or "normal" I am not completely cured, I do have some days where I still deal with depression during difficult times of the year or certain situations that bring it out, but I am more happy than not and that is what is important.
What most of you don't know who are thinking about whether you need to be medicated or whether you are on a medication and you have started feeling down again, is that finding the right medication is trial and error, unfortunately... When I went to the doctor for the first time I did not go to a psychiatric doctor but my family doctor. She had me fill out a form that was much like a survey that was used to determine my level of anxiety/depression. Many questions are on there were quite personal but I had to be honest with myself if I intended to get help. According the the number of points that added up from each question there were levels of depression that coincided with the range of numbers where your points may fall. I cried even harder when I saw that my numbers were almost off the scale. I was scared and I just wanted everything to go away. All I kept thinking is "why I am here on this earth?" At that point my doctor put me on a generic for celexa. If I remember right it was 50mg.
Now the first time you take this type of medication you are in a fog. I am not going to tell you that it is all smooth like taking a tylenol or something. You will feel an effect. Your body has to get used to taking an antidepressant. Remember, those things in your brain that control your happy thoughts/your mood is what the medication is geared to target. Anytime you take a medication that effects the brain you will have some type of effect. With me, I just sat there, quiet. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to talk. In fact, just like it says in the side effects of any antidepressant medication that it may increase suicidal thoughts or increase your depression, it did just that. I didn't feel like I wanted to kill myself, but I felt like if anyone told me it was a good idea I would have believed them and maybe even attempted if I felt necessary. You have to really be careful about what you say or do around someone who is just starting on an antidepressant. Many people, including my boyfriend at the time, just did not understand. I felt like he didn't want to. He would say things like "why are you acting like that?" "Why don't you say something?" "Why are you so quiet?" I would just look at him. With not a care in the world. He could have told me the sky was falling and I just would have been like hmmmm, ok. This only lasted about a week, maybe. After that my mood started to improve more and more and I even had energy. I could get out of bed. I wasn't sleeping as much. I felt good.
Then about two months later things changed. I did not feel good anymore. It was time to go back to the doctor. This time she said maybe we should up your dosage and get you some counseling with someone who specializes in this. She recommended me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner in Lexington. (I had went to the doctor in my lil hometown) I met with her the first time and she immediately just switched me over to another medication. That medication being cymbalta. When you are transitioning from medication to the other you have to slowly wean yourself off one to start another. She lowered my dosage of the celexa and within a two weeks time I was on just the Cymbalta, low dosage at 30mg. My sessions with her were very helpful and eventually I was upped to 60mg as she saw how bad my depression truely was. Unfortunately, taking antidepressants can have side effects. Let's just say it magnified my anxiety levels and I could not relax to save my life!! I would go to sleep but my body wouldn't sleep. I got up at an ungodly early time and pretty soon my boyfriend was like you are jittery and I can't sleep that good when you keep moving. SO I had to tell my doctor what was going on. She put me on 50mg of trazodone which I take at night. This helped SOOOOO much. I was able to relax, I was falling asleep better and sleeping through the night. With this combination my anxiety had improved along with my mood. My weekly visits turned into every other week. It felt great. Then there was that point where she told me I didn't have to come on a regular basis anymore. It felt good.
I wanted to tell you that you must pay very close attention to any warnings. Don't ever abruptly stop an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. It has some serious side effects that can make you very sick. When I lost my health care coverage I was not able to fill my prescriptions as Cymbalta is a whopping $147 a bottle for a 30 day supply. Lilly pharmaceuticals understands this and has a program that allows you to get meds for free. Unfortunately, they don't always refill right away on your request. A few times too many I have dealt with being sick because I have ran out of meds and waiting to get samples from my doc in the mail because I live out of state is no fun. I would get dizzy, moody, crying spells, fevers, and even nautious. As you can imagine I have had it from both ends of the body. Not that great of a feeling. Once I do get my meds it take a few days for the symptoms to go away. Not fun.
Other than that, I feel that being medicated is so worth it. If you have any questions regarding medications of this sort or if you are toying with the idea that maybe you need to be medicated, please feel free to contact me!!! To this day, even 3 years later I am still doing fine with my meds. Not addicted. Not any different of a person. I am I guess you could say, back to my self or "normal" I am not completely cured, I do have some days where I still deal with depression during difficult times of the year or certain situations that bring it out, but I am more happy than not and that is what is important.
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