I know it has been a while since I have blogged and I apologize in advance to those of you who look forward to my new posts. I will say this, my absence has not been from laziness, but because AGAIN, I had lost a lot of interest and motivation in the things I like and love to do.
Mental illness can make or break a person. I have been dealing with depression pretty bad in the past few months following a major change in my life with having to just pick up and move all of a sudden because I couldn't handle all the drama where I was. (thankfully I got through the move with some very helpful people, not sure what I would have done without them) After seeing a new doctor I had a new diagnosis and a change in meds twice in a short amount of time. He first started to treat with Prozac because of the major symptoms I was showing after I was taken off the Cymbalta. I cried a lot. I was down on myself a lot. I was pulling away from the world. I did not want to get out of the bed in the mornings. I was ALWAYS late for work. I didn't even care to wear make-up or care too much for my appearance. I quit modeling and I was happy to be done with the whole pageant deal (not normal for me). I was irritated and on edge a lot as well. In fact, I wanted to just give up on life.
It was a real eye-opener when I was diagnosed about a month later with a form of bipolar disorder. When my new doc, which was a licensed psychiatrist and no longer a psychiatric nurse practitioner, got more in depth with what was going on and how I was dealing with my life he was able to diagnose me and give me yet another medication. Talk about FRUSTRATING!!! I walked away from that appt. with all kinds of things going through my mind and dealing with other personal things happening in my life and I asked myself, is it worth living for and do I really want to continue to take these stupid medications that don't seem to do anything for me. I snapped on everyone and I felt like the world was closing in on me and I could not handle it. I was at my breaking point. Even my job was telling me, some things have got to change. That's when I knew it was bad.
I did one of the only things I knew to do. One of the closest people in my family that I knew was going to "keep it real" and not sugar coat their take on my situation. I got on skype with my Aunt Daphne. It was a Monday night, the last day of April...but the next day was the beginning of the month I dread every year since my daddy had passed. My birthday, his birthday, Memorial Day. I was already setting myself up for the worst like I do every year. I told my aunt, "I don't know what to do, take the new meds or not (I quit the prozac for a lil over a week) and honestly I do not want to be here" She told me that I needed to start talking to the man upstairs AND don't be so quick to not give these new meds a try even though I was sick of taking them. One of the last things she said to me was "If you gonna kill yourself you better be damn sure you are successful because I will personally come to that hospital and kick your ass". (gotta love my aunt Daphne) Plus not to mention that we had this Vegas trip planned for my 30th bday and everyone had already paid for their tickets, lol She told me that she would be VERY upset.
If there is one person that I do not like to disappoint is my aunt. She has always been there for me and always made sure that I felt special even when my daddy was not the father he was supposed to be. One thing I also took from our conversation was the fact that I did really deep down care what she thought about my look on life and because she had been there for me all my life I thought about what she said when she told me that all she wanted was for me to put all this aside and be happy on my birthday weekend and thereafter because it kills her that I am the way I am because she does not know how to help me and therefore she can't help me. Honestly, I did not have the answer to that question either...
I laid in the bed late that night and I thought about it. I searched deep within myself. I pulled out my bible and flipped to a random chapter and just started to read. I asked God to please, lift this burden off my shoulders. I told him I would do anything if it meant I didn't have to keep living my life this way and depending on other people to make me happy. I apologized for not coming to him sooner because Lord knows I needed him more than ever. At the end of that conversation I got up. Picked up the pill bottle (a mood stabilizer, no longer a depression medication, and yes, still on anxiety meds by the way) and took my dose. When I woke up I had a new sense of energy and I was on time for work. My hair was done, my make-up was done, and I told myself, today is the 1st day of May. A new month and a new beginning. No more tears and no more saddness of what I can not change. I felt beautiful, not appearance wise, but I felt good on the inside.
I had a Vegas trip to prepare for in 11 days!! Now that was something to be excited about. I was going to reunite with my sister after 13 years. I was going to be with my favorite Aunt and one of my favorite cousins because I knew she was going to make me laugh and smile (we are ALWAYS so silly when we get together and my dad used to always call us just that, SILLY...) I remembered my last session with my therapist when she told me that I was entitled to celebrate all month long or a week or a few weeks for my birthday. I decided to celebrate all month long because I was celebrating life. I CHOSE LIFE. I bought things for myself, not splurging, but just a lil something here and there when I wasn't receiving early gifts from my mom or cards in the mail. The closest people to me came through for me. I was truely happy and not depressed. I even had an awesome photoshoot with XL Images and the photos turned out FANTASTIC! May was not perfect by any means with a few hiccups here and there but all in all it was great. One of my girl's had a lil boy born on my daddy's birthday. A beautiful thing when you can take the focus off what was gone but now is born. It was a day of celebration all around.
I took the last bit of money I had and put it towards another Teddy bear after the party and made a birthday teddy to commemorate my daddy's birthday. Another "Walter" of course, complete with a party hat, card, and cupcake. It was special in that the birth certificate for the bear had my daddy's birthday on it. The last bear I made was on the anniversary of his death which I remember shedding just a few tears when it was all done. This time, there were no more tears. The only tears I shed in the month of May were tears of joy because I got to hug my "little" sister after 13 years. NOW THAT is a reason to be happy!!
Remember, only you are in control of your own happiness. It is easier said than done and trust me, I know all too well. As of now, I have plans to keep on with my modeling and do more shoots. Since turning 30 I have stepped back from pageant competing. I plan on doing motivational speaking (local or far) and working on my inspirational autobiography. It is important to share with the world, not to make people feel sorry for you, but to show that you can be a person of status, or not, and still overcome and do great things!! IT IS POSSIBLE AND THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!! DON'T GIVE UP!
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